Unattainable
by cynosure23
Summary: I had loved Bella Swan from the start.
1. Chapter 1

She was the kind of girl who just lit up the room. Her laughter was contagious and you would do anything to make her smile. She talked with her hands and when she spoke, people listened. She was beautiful, but that wasn't the only thing that kept people captivated- her inner beauty radiated from within and people just clamored to it. She was the girl that everyone wanted to know. Women wanted to emulate her; men fell in love with her after on conversation. Myself included.

She was incredible.

But Bella Swan was unattainable.

... ...

It felt sometimes like I had known her for a lifetime. But in reality, we met at Deerfield, the boarding school we both started in the ninth grade. With it's 17% acceptance rate and rich history, it was an exclusive place- where everyone knew each other and where a tight knit community formed. We met on the first day of classes, when she walked into our ethics classes on the arm of Jacob Black, who lived across the hall from me and my roommate, Jasper.

And right away, I was transfixed. It wasn't just that she was incredibly beautiful and poised, especially for a fifteen year old. Her smile was genuine as she took the seat next me and introduced herself. By the time our first class was over, I was head over heels.

"I heard you have a crush on Bella," Jacob had said to me one day in the hallway, grinning.

"I...I would never-" I had stuttered then, intimidated. Today I wish I would have handled it differently. "I know she's with you."

"Let me give you a word of friendly advice. Bella Swan isn't with anybody. That girl can't be tied down."

Sure enough, three weeks later, there was nothing left between Bella and Jacob. But she had quickly become my first real friend at Deerfield. I had wanted to make a move on her so badly, it hurt sometimes. But I grew to value her friendship too much to risk it. Besides, what Jacob had told me had proved to be true- she flitted, she flirted, she would be with someone for a while. But then she wasn't. She was too wrapped up in her studies, too involved in extracurricular activities. I had known that, because we studied together, joined the alpine skiing and current issues speakers clubs together, and I walked her home after every one of her ballet classes. She wasn't just my first friend there- she was my best friend.

We went to different colleges, but we stayed close. I never stopped having a crush on her, and sometimes I felt like she knew. But things continued, and I was happy to just have her in my life. We both attended Harvard Law after finishing our undergraduate careers, and lived together in an apartment not far off campus. It was an amazing time in my life, and I would always cherish it.

Bella thrived, too, and continued to dazzle everyone that crossed her path. I was still in awe of her- the newness never wore off. I dated around, knowing I could never have Bella. Until suddenly, I did.

We took a trip to London together- it was the Human Rights capitol of the world, and Bella had an offer from Cohen Milstein- one of the top human rights firms in the United States. She wanted to get a feel for it, and I wanted to tag along. She went out one night, with one of her family friends who lived nearby.

And when she got back to the hotel that night, she came to my room.

... ...

**This is the only chapter that will be short like this- the following will all be typical full length (for me, 1,000-2,000 ish words).**

**Thank you for reading! I hope you stick around. "Ineffable" will have it's final chapter within the next week. **


	2. Chapter 2

**Thanks for reading! This story will be mainly EPOV but I'm thinking that Bella will chime in here and there, possibly next chapter but I'm not totally sure yet. We'll see how it turns out. Thank you, also, for your interest in this new story and I hope y'all continue to enjoy.**

**… …**

We depleted the mini bar as Bella regaled me with stories of dinner's gone wrong- including tonight, when the son of her family friends got drunk and tried to take her home with him. I listened closely, rolling with laughter and letting tears stream down my face at one point as Bella did an impression of Brady Volterra. She was an incredible storyteller, talking with her hands and making you feel like you had been right there in the room when it happened. You never felt left out with Bella Swan on your side.

Suddenly she stopped talking, examining the empty bottle in her hands. "It's gone," she said with a hiccup, making me laugh again.

The room was spinning when I stood up to get her another drink, and my stumbling caused Bella to laugh even harder. I finally made it back to her with a fresh bottle of champagne and slung my arm around her neck.

We stayed like that for a moment, and suddenly I felt a shift that seemed to sober me up instantly. Bella was intently looking into my eyes, her dark brown eyes searching mine. For what, I had no idea, until she dropped the bottle of champagne, spilling it on the plush carpet, and wrapped her arms around my neck.

Suddenly her lips were on mine- suddenly I had what I had wanted since I was fourteen years old. Before I could even register what was happening, her fingers were making quick work of the buttons of my shirt. I reciprocated, pulling the straps of her dress down and kissing her in a way that I had never kissed another woman. My heart and soul were in this kiss, and I wondered if she could tell. If she could tell that this was what I'd been convinced would never happen, but wished for constantly.

I stood and pulled her up to her feet with me, the wet carpet squishing beneath our toes. She never broke the kiss, in fact, she threw more of herself into it and made my head spin.

_I'm kissing Bella. Bella. I'm kissing her, and I want to do so much more._

Barely noticing that she had been nudging me backwards, the back of my knees suddenly hit the bed. I pulled her down on top of me, both of us laughing as we got tangled up in each other and in the sheets.

Bella's chest was heaving as she sat up and looked at me in a way I had thought she never would- like she wanted me more anything in this world. Her mouth was on mine again, and I exhaled sharply as her hands ran down the expanse of my back. "Edward," she murmured, her eyes closed. "Edward, I love you."

My heart skipped a beat, maybe ten. She said "I love you" to me all the time- we were best friends, after all. Was this a different kind of feeling for her, too? Was she feeling what I felt?

"I love you, Bella," I replied, a little choked up. "I've always loved you."

"Will you regret this in the morning?" She asked, suddenly sexy and determined as she pushed my shirt off my shoulders.

"Never," I swore, finding the zipper on her dress.

She tilted her head up, her eyes looking a little domineering. "You're the best friend I've ever had. I don't want to mess that up."

"You can't. You never could," I said desperately, kissing her again. "I've never wanted anyone more than I want you."

Bella was quiet, but she let me help her out of her dress, and I watched her as she explored my body with passion and curiosity. Breathless from kissing and my hands trembling with nerves and anticipation, I took off her bra and cupped her breasts in my hands. I couldn't believe this was happened, but here I was. The immature part of my brain couldn't stop thinking, _"I'm touching Bella Swan's tits!" _We kissed and kissed until we had removed the rest of our clothing and I was hovering over her.

I had Bella Swan on her back and all I could think of was how fifteen year old me would have done this. It would have been in and out, in two seconds flat, and utterly disappointing. I was better than that now. Every sexual experience in my life had led up to right now. I was going to show Bella just how much I loved her; pour every bit of my soul into this.

Her body was toned, which I knew from our thrice weekly morning workouts together, but she was still soft and warm. There were no edges to this woman, only the sweetest curves. I tasted her under my tongue for the first time, sure that I would die if I never got to experience this again. She was silky smooth between her legs, which splayed apart when my tongue made contact. Bella, passionate as always, found grip in my hair and held me closer still, writhing against me and crying out for more.

It was an incredibly perfect feeling, pleasuring someone you really loved. I'd never experienced it before. I'd come close with past girlfriends, of course, but nothing compared to this.

"I want you inside me," Bella moaned, loosening her grip on my hair and around my neck. "Edward, I can't wait any longer."

"I…I don't have-"

The feeling of the world crashing down on me hit, realizing that I didn't have a condom. I never had sex without one, and usually kept them on me, but hadn't been expecting this at all. Fuck.

"It's okay, it's okay," she murmured, her hands running down my back. "I trust you."

I didn't hesitate then, and pushed inside of her. She was so warm and tight that it took a few thrusts, but when I was finally all of the way in, it took my breath away. Bella gasped underneath me, her face turned up towards the ceiling and her mouth open in what I hoped was pleasure. I was in complete and total heaven inside of her and I prayed that I could make her feel as good as she was making me feel.

We ended up staying in each other's embrace all night.

Push and pull, ebb and flow, it was the most sexually awakening experience I'd ever had. Bella was a spitfire, passionate and incorrigible, and we took everything the other had to give. Three orgasms later, it was nearly five o'clock in the morning and Bella had fallen asleep at my side. I just grinned. I probably looked like a maniac, unable to stop smiling, but I didn't care.

I had just experienced the best night of my life.

But all too soon, uncertainty set in.

Did this mean anything at all to her? The way it meant to me?

… …


	3. Chapter 3

**Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy at review. This chapter is Bella's POV during the morning after. A lot of you predicted she would react this way, but I want to go ahead and assure you that this story is Edward/Bella and will eventually have an HEA.**

… …

_**Bella Swan**_

I woke with a start, my heart pounding. For a moment I was disoriented, both from being in a strange place and from the nightmare I had just woken up from. But I quickly adjusted…until I rolled on my side and came face to face with a sleeping Edward.

I brought my hand up to my mouth, startled. But then it all came back to me.

The drinking, then the kissing. I had propositioned him, and he had reciprocated.

But what was I thinking? He was my best friend. I loved him, but I had never thought I'd cross this line with him. What if I had ruined everything?

I quietly rolled back over and climbed out of bed, finding my dress from last night on the floor and pulling it on as quietly as I could manage. Then I found my phone, nearly dead, and checked the time. Past eight o'clock in the morning- not that I was able to tell with the thick blackout curtains closed. I found the rest of my clothes quickly, then tip toed out of the room and eased the door shut behind me. Once I was safely back in my hotel room, I sent a text to Edward, hoping that it didn't wake him up right away.

_Going to grab us some coffee._

I took my time showering and getting dressed, and by the time I slipped out of the hotel in search of a local coffee shop, it was nearly ten o'clock. I wandered around for a while, taking in the sights and sounds, until I spotted a coffee shop a few blocks away. Of course, I had passed three Starbucks from here to the hotel, but I did my best to shop local, especially while in a foreign country.

I almost got both of our coffees to-go, but the shop was so beautiful and homey that I elected to have my coffee on one of the several plush cushions that were spread around. It gave me more time to think.

Think about what I had done last night, and wonder if I had ruined the most important relationship in my life.

Edward wasn't like me- he was a true romantic. I knew he wanted to settle down and make his focus his family. Of course he was still dedicated to his work- he was an excellent lawyer. But I wasn't like that. I wanted my career to be my life, that was how passionately I felt about my work. Maybe in a few years, after I was more established and had started making a difference in human rights law, I would be prepared to start a serious relationship and maybe a family. Now was not that time.

Maybe I was just getting ahead of myself- it was just one night, after all. We were both drunk. Maybe this didn't have to be an issue.

It had been an incredible night. I'd never experienced something like that…being totally and completely worshipped and pleasure. I wasn't sure if I'd ever had a more satisfying sexual experience in my life. No, I _knew _I hadn't. Last night didn't compare to anything I'd ever experienced.

… …

Edward's hotel room door was propped open when I finally got to the hotel. I was working on my second cup of coffee, and had gotten him his usual. I knocked on the door, gingerly peaking my head in.

Edward popped up so quickly from inside the room that I nearly dropped our coffees, but he just laughed and opened the door further.

I handed him his coffee, and tried to ignore the feeling in the pit of my stomach. I walked further into the room and finally settled on the couch in the sitting room. Edward didn't hesitate to sit down next to me, and kissed my cheek once he was seated.

"So…"

He and I spoke at the same time. I laughed awkwardly. "Go ahead. You talk."

"Last night was amazing," he murmured. "I…you have no idea how long I've waited for this."

I froze. Last night did mean more to him than it meant to me. Of course, I had to agree that it was amazing. There was no contesting that. But he had been waiting for this? Wanting this? For me it had been a snap decision last night- of course Edward was completely gorgeous and I knew it, but I'd never wanted him sexually until being drunk last night, alone with him in a hotel room.

"Edward, I had no idea," I finally said. "You've thought about this before?"

"Yes," he said with a frown. "I've loved you since we were fifteen, Bella."

I thought about last night and remembered saying it- _I love you_. But I always told him that- I loved him as a person, as a friend. I hadn't thought about loving him as a lover before now.

"I never knew."

Edward smiled, and scooted a little closer. "Is…is that okay? I mean—"

I made a decision right then and there- I wouldn't break his heart. I could do this. I could try. I didn't want to do anything to take that hopeful look off of his face.

I leaned forward and kissed him, waiting to feel sparks.

There were none. Well, maybe. I felt warm inside, and one kiss left me breathless. Was it just physical attraction I was experiencing, or did I feel the same way about him?

Edward continued kissing me, his hands tangling in my hair. I let myself give into the feeling, because it did feel good.

Maybe I could do this, for him. But I knew that there was going to have to be a deadline for when I was doing it for me, too.

… …


	4. Chapter 4

**Edited to add* I accidentally posted this as Chapter 4 for Power Play. This is meant to be Chapter 4 of Unattainable. Thank you.**

****

His thrusts became jerky, then faster and faster. I closed my eyes, feeling the slow burn turn into more, more, and more until it erupted. Edward cursed when he felt me tightening around him, and he leaned forward to capture my lips with his before he, too, found his pleasure. He stilled, staying inside me for a moment while still kissing me. Ever the attentive and generous lover, he knew I liked to be close like this after sex, and even when he finally pulled out of me, he held me close.

I ran my fingers through the downy hair on his chest, remembering when we'd go swimming during the summer when we were at school. He had more hair now than he'd had then, and his body was less lean and more muscular.

But it was still Edward. My Edward.

I tensed at the thought.

We'd been back in the city for two nights, adjusting to being...together. The minutes passed, until Edward broke the silence.

"What's wrong, babe?" Edward must have noticed the tension in my body, because his hands were suddenly everywhere, trying to diffuse it.

"Nothing," I said, managing a smile. "Just thinking about work."

"Come here."

He pulled me on top of him, and I couldn't help but laugh and squirm as he ground against me.

It was all so easy.

So why was I fighting it?

… …

"You and Edward? No way."

Rosalie aggressively stirred her Splenda into her coffee, shaking her head. "What were you thinking?"

Everyone else I had told had been ecstatic. They had congratulated me and said things like "took you long enough!"

I was..._relieved _to hear Rosalie's disbelief and disapproval.

"I know," I said, feeling a huge weight lift off my chest. "I don't know."

"Don't get me wrong, I love Edward. _You _love Edward. But I don't know…I never thought you thought of him that way."

She spoke in a hushed tone as we walked back to my office from the communal kitchen, for which I was thankful. I didn't want anyone to hear me express my doubts except for Rosalie.

"I didn't. I just…made a mistake."

"Was it a mistake though?" Rosalie questioned. "Does he make you happy?"

"Of course he does. And he's gorgeous, and he loves me. I mean, he _loves _me, Rosalie. And not just in the way you and I love him. He loves me."

"I get it, I get. He loves you."

I closed the door to my office behind her as we stepped inside and watched as she helped herself to a seat on the turquoise couch that sat against the window. "I can't throw that away, Rosalie. The man really loves me, and treats me so well. And I…well maybe my feelings will change. I could fall in love with him, too."

Her face was suddenly very sympathetic, which wasn't like her. Usually the only ones who saw the sympathetic version of Rosalie were here clients. She was tough- life had hardened her at a very young age.

"I'm sorry, Bella. But what if you don't? That's not fair to him. Or to you."

I knew she was right, but I didn't respond as I sat down in my desk chair.

"You know what, I think I just need some time," I said, putting my coffee down. "And I really need to get to work."

"Okay, okay." Rosalie stood and brushed some nonexistent creases out of her dress. "Let me know if you need an ear…about a case. Or about Edward."

She left the door to my office open, but I didn't bother to get up and shut it. Someone coming in to talk about a case would be a welcome distraction. Unfortunately, no one did, and I was left to stew with my own thoughts. I did everything to try and get my mind back on work, but it seemed fruitless. Finally, I reached for my office phone and typed out Edward's office number. He answered on the first ring.

"Bella. What a pleasant surprise."

"Hey, stranger," I said, spinning lazily back in forth in my chair.

"I'm glad you called," he replied, and I heard him shutting the door to his office over the line. "I was going to see if we could grab lunch. I miss you."

_I just left your apartment two hours ago, _I thought to myself. Then I felt a twinge of guilt.

"That's sweet, but I'm pretty swamped since being back from London," I lied. I _was _swamped, but it didn't have anything to do with being gone to London. I'd worked my ass off while I was there. And a week ago, I would have made time for him. For my best friend. But now he was my boyfriend, I guess, and something felt skanky about blowing off work to meet up with my boyfriend. "I was actually calling to let you know I'm working late, so I can't do dinner, either," I said, referencing the plans we'd made this morning. "I'm sorry."

"Oh, well that's okay," he answered after a moment. "You didn't have to call, if you're so busy. You could have texted. I wouldn't have minded."

He was so understanding, and that made me feel even worse.

"I know. I wanted to hear your voice, though," I admitted, confusing myself even further. It was true, but it felt like a lie for some reason. "And I'll be home late."

Again, he was understanding, and said he would probably end up working late, too, now that he didn't have dinner plans. I rushed him off the phone, citing that I had too much to do, but even after we hung up, I just sat there for a few moments.

Luckily, I had reached the deadline for the offer from Cohen Milstein, and I saw their number flash across my phones display at ten o'clock sharp. I admired their punctuality, and answered the phone. It struck me as odd that I had been more nervous talking to Edward, my closest friend, than I did taking a phone call from a potential employer- one of the most esteemed human rights firms in the country if not in the world. It was definitely something to think about.

I had always known I wanted to work in human rights. It took a certain kind of person, and I had no doubt that _I was _that kind of person. I liked working at my current office, and I had even interned here before accepting a job. But although the caseload here I'd been involved with had put me on the map, I knew this was just a stepping stone. Cohen Milstein was my future.

And twenty minutes later, it really was.

I accepted their offer, and they had met my stipulations. I was officially on my way to the top.

The first person I wanted to call wasn't Rosalie. It wasn't my parents, or my current (soon to be former) boss.

It was Edward.

… …

**Thanks for reading! Please review if you would be so inclined. If you're interested in a personal life update check out the AN at the bottom of chapter 3 of **_**Power Play**_**. Really don't feel like typing it out again : )**


	5. Chapter 5

**I accidentally posted the last chapter of this story onto the wrong story earlier, so as an apology, you get another update.**

**Just to reiterate if you read both of my current stories, I accidentally posted chapter four of this story to **_**Power Play**_** earlier today. It is now fixed and all chapters are where they belong.**

**Thanks and sorry for the confusion!**

**We hear from both Edward and Bella in this chapter, and I hope you enjoy!**

… …

_**Bella Swan**_

I didn't get home from my long day until after ten- I'd work until around eight and then let Rosalie and a few other friends from work take me out for a drink to celebrate my new job. My phone had chimed several times throughout the night and my way home, but I didn't check it until I was safely inside my apartment with the door locked behind me.

I kicked off my heels as I scrolled through the messages, noting that several were from Edward. The rest were messages of congratulations from family and friends, but I decided to get back to Edward before anyone else.

Again, he answered on the first ring.

"Hey, sorry," I began. "I went out for a drink with some friends from the office."

"That's okay," he said easily. Edward had never been much of a worrier, and I was glad to see that hadn't changed. I couldn't stand clinginess. "Are you on your way home now?"

I put the phone on speaker and tossed it on my bed as I began to undress, struggling with the zipper on the back of my green Alice + Olivia dress for a moment before finally getting a good grip on it. "I am home. Just getting changed."

"Oh. I thought…never mind. Long day?"

I talked him through the rest of my work day as I slipped on a silk pajama set, put my long hair in a bun, and made my way into the bathroom to wash my face. It was easy, just like old times. In fact nothing was different, and that gave me a lot of hope. Maybe this would be even easier than I thought. Maybe I just needed a little time-

"I love you, Bella. I just couldn't go any longer without saying it tonight."

Something in his tone made me pause, and a lump suddenly formed in my throat. "I love you, too."

"I just…I miss you so much. I wish you were here."

"I know."

As I started my skincare routine, I couldn't help but notice that my hands were shaking.

"Tomorrow night?"

I tried to snap out of it, and cleared my throat. "I don't know."

"Babe…"

"I…I don't know what my schedule is like," I said truthfully. "Things are going to start changing, and fast. I start at Cohen Milstein in two weeks."

"I know you're busy, I'm sorry. I just can't wait to see you again."

His voice and sentiments were so sweet, but all they did was stir up agitation in me. "Edward, we don't have to see each other every day," I said through my teeth. "I'm busy, and I know you are, too. We've never been able to see each other as much as we may have wanted to, and things are going to be especially busy for me, even after I start my new job."

"Well, things are different than they were then, Bella," Edward pointed out. "I don't want to pester you, but…"

"I know," I snapped. "Things are different."

"Why are you so worked up?"

It finally started to get to me. The long hours; the drinks I'd had. Not to mention the weight of the guilt I had been carrying around with me since London. Tears from stress began to gather in my eyes, and I saw my cheeks redden in the mirror.

Should I just come clean?

"Bella?"

It was now or never.

"I just had a long day and too much to drink," I finally said, omitting most of the truth but not entirely lying.

Never, it is.

… …

_**Edward Cullen- the same day**_

Peter took a swig of his drink and kicked his feet up on my desk. "Never thought I'd live to see the day."

It was first thing in the morning, and Emmett was already pouring himself scotch, and it looked like Peter had helped himself to the whiskey.

Emmett chortled and offered me a drink, which I declined. "Up," I said to Peter, motioning for him to get his ass out of my chair. "What are you talking about?" I asked once my seat was vacated and he moved to one of the chairs across from my desk.

It was a blue chair- or turquoise, Bella had called it. It had come with the couch in her office and she'd forced it on me when she redecorated my office after I made junior partner. Now Peter and Emmett occupied it and its matching twin.

"Rosalie spilled the beans," Emmett said. "You bagged Swan!"

"Can't believe you pulled it off," Peter laughed. "It's been what…fifteen years?"

"Shut up," I mumbled, feeling my cheeks redden slightly.

I watched them for a moment, giggling like old gossiping ladies. But then I couldn't help but smile.

"Ah, there is it!" Peter clapped his hands together. "Good for you, man. Seriously. I know how long you've wanted this."

"Thanks," I grinned. "But look, I'm not going to gossip with you two about this. It wasn't some one night stand with a stripper."

Emmett rolled his eyes, "Yeah, like you go out with strippers all the time."

I ignored him and checked my phone, a little put out that Bella hadn't answered my good morning text even though I knew she was at the office by now, especially if she'd spoken to Rosalie. But I was glad she'd told Rosalie, and therefore ensured the news would spread to Emmett. That made it feel all the more real.

As if the four times we'd had sex since the first time weren't real enough. That included this morning, when Bella had woken me up with her mouth around my cock.

I knew she was a sexual person- she always had been. I'd endured many stories over the years, and even given advice even though it killed me to think about her using it on other guys. But now it was me. Maybe I'd struggle to keep up with her, but I doubted it. It'd been over a year since my last relationship, and while there had been a few hookups in between, there weren't _that _many to speak of. I definitely had been itching for it…especially from Bella.

She was, quite literally, my dream girl.

… ..

My morning dragged on, until my phone rang and I saw it was from Bella.

"Bella. What a pleasant surprise." It was a surprise, but certainly not an unwelcome one. I knew we'd both be busy coming back from London.

"Hey, stranger."

I smiled. It was the usual way she greeted me, and I wasn't even sure she realized it.

I was, of course, disappointed when she cancelled our dinner plans and turned down my offer for lunch, but I understood. And even if she was home late, we had all night.

Because I knew she was, I worked late. But I kept an eye on my phone, hoping she'd call or text. I sent her a few messages, but wasn't too concerned when she didn't reply. I grabbed a sandwich and made my way home around eight thirty and immediately checked my phone. Still nothing.

I busied myself, first straightening the sex-rumpled sheets on my bed and then deciding to just wash them altogether, even though I was hoping for a repeat when Bella got home. By ten, she still wasn't home, but before I could call, she did.

When she said she was home, I felt myself deflate. Home- her home. I don't know why I had expected her to mean that she was coming to my place when she had said home, but it was still disappointing. I had wanted to see her. And I didn't understand why she seemed to be picking a fight with me.

Maybe she was scared- I was scared, too. I had always thought of Bella as being this incredibly unattainable woman. I knew she wasn't perfect and I didn't pretend to think so. I tried not to put her up on a pedestal or make her try and live up to crazy expectations.

I thought I had her.

… …


	6. Chapter 6

_**Edward**_

These were the moments I loved her most.

She was curled up in my bed, barely visible among the pillows and rumpled sheets. She was normally so put together- it was rare to see her disheveled and vulnerable. But then her eyes flashed to mine, and a smile flitted across her face. "Come here." Bella's voice was raspy with sleep, but alluring all the same.

I'd just been out for a jog, hoping to slip back into bed before she woke up to start her day, but now I wasn't regretting that she had woken up first.

"I'm all sweaty." I heard myself protest, and I was a little surprised.

A week ago, if you'd told me I'd deny Bella Swan anything, I wouldn't have believed it. We'd been together for a little over two weeks, and I couldn't even count the number of times we'd had sex. I mean, I wasn't complaining…or was I? It felt like Bella was using sex to take the place of expressing her emotions. Maybe I was way off, but my suspicions were growing stronger.

But her hand emerged from under the blankets and snaked around my half-hard dick, which quickly stiffened the rest of the way.

Bella slipped out from under the covers and kissed me hard, then pulled back slightly. "Race you to the shower."

… …

A few days passed, and my doubts and suspicion were fading. Bella and I were horribly busy with work and our own lives, but she kept up a constant stream of communication that finally brought me some relief. There was even phone sex, which I never said no to.

We were sharing the bed for the first time in these past few days, but when I woke up suddenly in the middle of the night and reached my arm out, she wasn't there. The bed was cold.

I padded out of the bedroom in my bare feet and boxers, rubbing my arms with my hands to generate some warmth. I checked my office first, figuring she was on the phone or emailing as it was already past the start of business London time. But the room was empty, and so were the kitchen and living room. I went back into the bedroom, and finally realized that the door to the balcony was propped open ever so slightly.

I poked my head out, and there she was, curled up in the blanket I usually kept in the closet, looking entirely lost in thought.

A few moments passed before she noticed me, but she didn't jump or really even register surprise on her face. She just looked at me, passive and calm. "Hey, stranger."

"What are you doing out here?" I asked, my teeth practically chattering from the brisk autumn air.

"Come here, you're freezing." She dodged the question, holding the blanket open for me.

I gave up, closing the door to the balcony behind me and joining her on the loveseat. She arranged the blankets around us, and I felt the tension leave my body when she curled up around me. I brought my hand up to run through her hair, closing my eyes.

And I fell asleep right then and there.

… …

More time passed, but things didn't necessarily get any easier. Take tonight, for example. Bella had agreed to be my date to this gala long before we were together, but now she was trying to get out of it.

"I'm so tired," she complained. "I don't have it in me to wine and dine all damn night."

"I _have _to go for work," I reminded her. "And you said you'd come."

Already dressed in my tuxedo, I crossed my arms across my chest.

"I know what I said," she snapped. "I just thought that maybe you'd take some pity on me. You know how stressed I am."

Lately, that was her excuse for everything. Why she didn't want to spend the night. Why she couldn't grab lunch. Why she never answered her phone.

She stared at me for a long moment, but I didn't falter.

"Fine," Bella finally said, her shoulders slumping. "I'm sorry, Edward. I know I made a promise. I'm just-"

"Stressed," I finished for her. "I know."

She didn't say anything back, just looked down at the floor for a moment. "It won't take me long to get ready," she promised, but her voice was flat.

"Okay. Thank you."

I sat down on the edge of her bed, checking my watch. Luckily, I'd come over as soon as I'd gotten changed after work, and we had plenty of time before we had to leave. Bella didn't live that far from Columbus Circle, where the gala was being held. Bella had disappeared into her closet, and when she came back out, my jaw dropped and I forgot all of my earlier agitation.

She was dressed in the most alluring lingerie I'd ever seen on a woman- and that was saying a lot.

It was a completely sheer black bodysuit, with floral lace panels on the side. The front cut plunged low, showcasing her perfect tits, and the back showed off her round ass. I almost melted into a puddle.

But Bella was all business, and marched straight into the bathroom, not bothering to close the door behind her. I watched, probably slack-jawed, as she expertly applied her makeup and did her hair. When she got dressed, it was almost better than the lingerie.

"You…wow, Bella. You look amazing." My eyes trailed across her body, which was hugged perfectly by the gold sequin dress she was wearing. If you had described this dress to me in words, I might have thought it sounded tacky. But on Bella, it was the more gorgeous thing I'd ever seen.

Suddenly, I was envisioning Bella in another dress- a white one, and it made me feel a little emotional. Would this woman marry me one day? Or was I already blowing my chances?

"Thank you." Her sweet voice pulled me away from my spiraling thoughts, and I watched as she started to apply a final coat of deep red lipstick.

"Wait."

I stopped her, pulled her close, and kissed her hard. She seemed surprised for a moment, but then loosened up and draped her arms around my neck. We kissed for several moments before she pulled away, breathing heavily. "What was that?"

"It's probably the last time I can kiss you like that tonight," I said, wiping the red lipstick off of my mouth with my hand. "Until I get you home, that is."

She just smiled and went to the mirror to reapply.

… …

**If anyone is curious, the lingerie I envision Bella wearing is La Perla's Ambra bodysuit (but strapless) to go with her Bradley Mischka blush sequin off the shoulder gown as seen on Rent the Runway when I was browsing there for myself.**


	7. Chapter 7

This time, the sound of the sliding glass door leading to the balcony woke me up. I sat up just in time to see Bella slip outside, and for a moment, I debated whether or not I should follow her. I checked my phone, seeing that it was just past three a.m., and I wondered if she did this every night, or if it was only the two times now that I had caught her.

Eventually, I did get up, and joined her outside. "Hey."

She picked at the threads of the blanket that was wrapped around her shoulders. "Hey."

"Are you okay?"

"Couldn't sleep."

I could tell it was a lie, but I didn't call her out on it.

Bella stood then, and I saw she was still naked underneath the blanket. She came up to me, soft and warm, and wrapped her arms around me. I closed my eyes, wishing that it would always feel like this- like she didn't just want me, but like she needed me. Needed me as much as I needed her.

Maybe my expectations were too high, and I wanted too much out of this relationship. Maybe I needed to slow down to let her catch up to what I had been feeling for years. My head was screaming these things, but my heart felt so different. I wanted to consume her in every way possible; for her to be mine and mine alone. Forever.

"Let's get you back to bed," I murmured, kissing the top of her head. "Come on."

Bella didn't object, but neither of us fell back to sleep quickly. Finally, after what felt like eternity, I spoke, my voice cutting through the darkness like a knife. "Are we okay?"

"I don't know."

Her words were simple, but they hurt. "What can I do?" I whispered.

She never answered, and eventually I heard the sound of her breathing deepen and even out as she fell asleep.

... ...

I had the rare opportunity to sleep in that morning, and after being up and unable to sleep so early, I took at advantage of it. By the time I took a shower and made my way out of my bedroom, Bella was putting breakfast out.

"I was going to bring it to you in bed," she said as she scooped eggs onto a plate. "But this works, too."

"Bella."

"You didn't have any eggs." She continued like I hadn't spoken. "So I ran down to the Farmer's Market, and I couldn't resist the pastries or the flowers, and especially not the fresh fruit. It's so much better quality than what you can get at the grocery store, don't you think? Anyway, I just finished so it's still hot. Eat up."

I slid onto one of the bar stools, accepting the heaping plates of eggs, bacon, and fruit that she placed in front of me. Bella offered me a pastry as well, and I bit into that first, trying to get my head on straight. She continued talking, chattering away as if nothing was wrong, and I wished so badly that I could play along with her. That it could just be swept under the rug and everything would go back to normal.

But I didn't like this normal. I had wanted her for forever, and this wasn't exactly what I'd had in mind- she was clearly uncomfortable. She would make sure we stayed in contact by calling or texting first, but she dodged my own calls and texts. She tried to back out of her commitments, like last night, and she just wasn't acting like herself.

I knew she hadn't said _I love you_ again since that first time, and I wondered if she regretted it...or if she hadn't meant it. Not in the way I had wanted her to mean it, at least.

"I should go home," Bella was saying as she picked at some of the fruit on my plate. "I haven't been home in days, and I really...well, I should just go home."

"Yeah." I didn't have it in me to argue, or to bring up what I was sure would lead to an argument, anyway. "Go home. Water your plants, and...I dunno."

"Edward."

"What?" I snapped. "What do you want me to say, Bella?"

"Maybe this was a mistake," she whispered, and my heart was breaking. "I...I miss you, Edward. I miss my best friend."

"Well, I'm right here," I snapped. "I haven't done anything-"

"You're _smothering me_!" She finally snapped back.

"Then go," I said, storming out of the room and into my bedroom. I quickly located her bag, and started stuffing her clothes into it. Bella was right on my heels.

"Don't act like this," she pleaded. "Please, don't be mad at me for the way I feel."

I whirled around and shoved the bag into her arms. "What _do _you feel, Bella? What did you feel in London? Was that just a, a, pity fuck or something? Why did you tell me-"

"Because I do love you, you fucking idiot! You're my best friend. But I wasn't ready for this! I'm sorry. I shouldn't have kissed you. I shouldn't have had sex with you, and I certainly shouldn't have said that in the moment because I didn't mean it like that."

I was demolished to hear those words, even if it was what I had been fearing would come out of her mouth all along. "So why?" I asked. "Why have you been playing along?"

"I thought I could do it," she whispered, her eyes full of tears. "But maybe I can't."

**...**

**OHH what do we think? Was Bella right to finally tell the truth, or should she have kept "playing along"? This chapter is a shorter one but I hope to update again fairly quickly. Thanks for reading!**


	8. Chapter 8

I'm angry for weeks, then sad for longer. It's the kind of sadness I'm not sure will ever go away, but I'm dealing with it. It's harder than I ever thought it would be, but I can't _not _be around Bella, so after the weeks of being angry, a few more of being sad, and a lot of drinks, I reach out to her.

"Edward." Her voice is desperate as soon as she answers the phone. "You called."

"I called." I look down at the glass in my hand and try to hold back tears. "I missed you."

"Edward, I'm so sorry."

"Why'd you go along with it?" I asked, genuinely curious.

She is quiet for a moment, and I can tell she's debating on whether or not to tell the truth. "Because we got in too deep too fast. I didn't want to hurt you...so I held off, and hurt you even more. I'm sorry. You have to believe me, Edward, I never meant to hurt you. And I will never forgive myself for doing it. I wanted to be the girl you want. But...I'm not right now."

"Why? I don't want you to change. I just want you the way you are." I could hear the pleading tone of my voice, and I felt pathetic, but I had never been afraid to share my feelings with Bella and I refused to be now.

"Edward. Being with you _would _change me. I'm...I'm focused on my career right now. I want to be a great lawyer. I want to be great at _something_."

"You're great at everything you do."

"Except at being a girlfriend."

The cynicism in her voice surprised me. "What's that supposed to mean?"

"I've never been that type of girl, Edward. I...I've never let myself be loved like that because I'm not happy with who I am I never have been."

It seemed so out of character for someone like her, but I knew Bella had dealt with depression as long as I'd known her. I'd just never heard her talk about it like this. And it somehow made me feel terrible.

"I can't love someone like that until I love myself," she whispered. "And I don't know what that's going to take. I mean, look at me. I have my dream job, amazing friends, the best of everything...I even had you. And it wasn't enough. I don't deserve any of it."

"Stop saying that, Bella. You...you deserve the world. You are the most amazing person I've ever met. You said I was smothering you- you're right, I was. Because I could feel you slipping away and I wanted you to know how strongly I felt. I guess it was too much. I'm sorry I didn't realize it. I'm sorry I tried to make it something it just isn't going to be."

Bella was crying over the phone, and it only served to further obliterate my already broken heart.

"You should not be the one apologizing to me," she finally said. "I lied to you, Edward. I let it go on when I knew this was how it would end."

"Bella, if I don't get this off my chest, I'll never be able to get past it," I said firmly. "And I think it's the same way for you. But we have to get past it. You're my best friend."

"Does that mean..."

"You aren't getting rid of me that easily."

... ...

It was _so _awkward at first. We agreed to meet up for coffee the next day. I expected it to be uncomfortable, but what I didn't expect was for it to be almost completely unbearable.

I couldn't wait to get out of there, and I could tell she felt the same way, but we stuck it out. We talked about work, about Rosalie and Emmett, and about my parents upcoming anniversary. But instead of us clicking and being in sync, we stumbled and blustered through every conversation.

"This is really hard," Bella finally said, crossing her arms over her chest. "I totally expected it to be, but it's a different story actually sitting here."

"I know," I admitted.

And I really did. All I wanted to do was beg her to try again- to take me back. I wanted to promise that I'd give her more space, let her learn to love herself while I loved her, too. But it wasn't that easy. I tried not to feel resentment towards her but I did, and I didn't know how long it would take me to get past that.

My friends- Jasper, Ben, and especially Emmett, all thought I was going way too easy on her, that I should be holding a grudge. They said I forgave too fast because I was still in love with her, and that I had to hold her accountable. I understood that, but couldn't they see?

She was Bella Swan. And I had always known that she was unattainable. I had watched her do this for years, never really knowing why. Of course I was still in love with her; maybe I always would be. But if I couldn't be with her in the way I wanted, then of course I would want to remain her best friend. I could handle that…right?

... ...

"It's too soon."

"It's not too soon."

"Wow, what a stunning example of reverse psychology," I said dryly. "Unfortunately, it didn't work."

Now Emmett chimed in. "It's been months."

"Three months. Not that long. And…she's Bella. I'm not-"

"You're not over her," Emmett finished my sentence for me with an eye roll. "We know. Trust me, I've only heard it a thousand times. 'You don't have to be over her to go on a date. And who knows. Maybe you're more over her than you thought, and you won't know unless you try."

"Come on," Ben said. "Tanya is a great girl."

"Fine, fine." I relinquished. "I'll go out with her. One date."

… …

One date turned to two, and then suddenly two turned to five, and I was actually enjoying myself. Tanya was not Bella. She was less charismatic, more subdued. But there was something about her that made it easy to be with her. Bella was the life of the party, and Tanya was a wallflower…but I found myself enjoying that she was low key and that I was the outgoing one in the relationship.

I was slowly starting to treat it that way- as a relationship. I still thought about Bella all the time. I'd be reading a book or caught up in work and she would suddenly pop into my head. That didn't happen with Tanya. But when I was with her, I was with her.

I just had to stop comparing her to Bella, and let myself get used to the idea of being with Tanya. I'd done it in the past, obviously. I'd loved Bella since I was fifteen, and while I had never been a serial dater like her, I'd had my fair share of relationships. They'd all ended for one reason or another, but I'd be kidding myself if I pretended Bella hadn't been a factor in any of those relationships.

Maybe things wouldn't work out with Tanya. Maybe it would. But I swore that I would stop letting Bella Swan be the reason for my unhappiness.


	9. Chapter 9

**For those who are worried- there will be a ExB HEA. Don't fret. There's some ExT coming up but nothing mushy or anything. Just know it won't last!**

**_… …_**

**_Bella Swan_**

Like clockwork, I wake up at 2 a.m. and I don't even try to fall back asleep despite my heavy eyelids. Maybe I'm torturing myself, but I do feel like I deserve it. Edward is sound asleep beside me, his breathing even and deep. I stay there for a while, trying to bask in it all- I was safe and warm in bed with a man who really loved me...I should be so happy. But I'm not.

After about an hour, I find myself out on the balcony again. I don't care that I'm naked except for the thick blanket I took off of Edward's bed. He had peeled my clothes off of me hours earlier, and I hadn't bothered to redress. Sex was something I could do; something I didn't have to hold back with. There was no faking it during sex for us, and I felt like it was the only time I was really being honest with him.

I'd only been sitting outside for a minute before Edward was there, looking confused. It was heartbreaking, honestly. What was I doing, putting him through this? Would I ever be able to forgive myself for being the reason that he was unhappy?

All I'd ever wanted was for Edward to be happy. He deserved it- he was one of the most giving and selfless people I knew. He always gave money to homeless people, was constantly putting others feelings above his own, and even volunteered at the free legal clinic whenever he had the time. He always walked on side of the sidewalk closest to the road- putting himself between me and traffic. Even when we were at Deerfield, he always invited the kids with nowhere to go over the holidays to come to his house for break. I knew, logically, that no one was perfect. But Edward seemed pretty damn close, and here I was, treating him like garbage.

"Hey."

"Hey," I responded, forcing myself to keep my eyes trained on the blanket I had wrapped around me.

I couldn't face him.

"Are you okay?"

I finally looked up, and noted the serious concern on his face. "Couldn't sleep."

It was a lie, and we both knew it. I just had to get out of that bedroom. I felt like I was being smothered, not just by Edward, but by my own shitty decisions. Sometimes being in the same room as him was unbearable because I knew how badly I was treating him.

He had called me out on some of it, but for the most part, he just took it. And I couldn't even decide if that was better or not. Either way, I didn't feel good about myself and what I was doing to him.

When we were back in bed, I was holding back tears with everything I had.

I'd always struggled with my self-esteem, at least, for as long as I could remember. I knew it was silly. I hadn't had a hard life. I was successful, had never had to worry about money and probably never would, and I had achieved more than most people my age. I had a gorgeous boyfriend who really loved me, and who had been my best friend for more than ten years. My family and friends were supportive and pushed me towards success without pushing too hard.

On paper, my life was perfect. I loved to laugh and be the life of the party. People always came to me for advice, and I'd like to think the answers I gave were good ones. But too often, I found myself questioning myself and everything I had. What made me so special? Why was I so lucky to have so much, when others had so little?

I could trace my depression and anxiety back to elementary school, even though I hadn't had a word for it then. My teachers had called me a perfectionist, and my parents delighted in it. I worked hard. But sometimes I worked too hard and gave too much of myself. Ever since then, nothing I have done has been good enough for my standards. I was a perfectionist, yes, but to a fault.

My depression had been controlled with antidepressants since my first year of college- I hadn't been back to my psychiatrist since before I graduated law school. Now, as I laid in Edward's bed, feeling like the most despicable human there was, I knew I had to finally come clean and try to face the consequences.

And that if I didn't do something, I was going to spiral.

... ...

**_Edward Cullen_**

Tanya was nice. The company was nice, the sex was nice, _it _was nice. I still saw Bella, even introduced her to Tanya one night at a group dinner. Things were nothing like they had been before, and I hated that we had even tried. I hated that I had given so much of myself for it all to end up like this.

I wished, all the time, that the night in London had never happened. Unrequited love had been much easier than this, than knowing I loved her and she didn't love me back.

But I couldn't remain mad at her, because I knew that she had eventually told the truth- that she couldn't love someone, not the way I wanted her to love me, without first loving herself. And my heart ached for her. I couldn't imagine what she went through with her mental health, especially because I had been lucky enough to never have dealt with mental illness. She had confided in me many times, especially back at Deerfield, but she had also always been very good at hiding it. The demise of our relationship was the first time I had seen her let her mental health get the better of her.

"What're you thinking about?" Tanya asked suddenly, startling me. She ran her hand down my chest, feeling my heart beat. "I didn't mean to scare you," she laughed. "What had you thinking so hard?"

I spoke without thinking. "Bella."

Tanya stiffened, then pulled her hand away. "Oh."

"I'm just worried about her," I said quickly. "She's been so down lately."

"You're a good friend," Tanya said simply, but I knew that this was a sore spot.

After all, who could blame Tanya? The first night I had her over to my apartment, she had been looking at the pictures on my walls and commented on how many of them featured Bella. I knew she had seen Bella's shampoo in my shower, and her tampons under the sink. They had just become a part of the apartment to me- I hadn't even thought about getting rid of them. Bella's ghost was still all over this apartment, and Tanya just trudged on. She deserved better than that, but I still caught myself rubbing Bella in her face, so to speak.

"I was thinking, we should take a trip," Tanya said, filling the silence.

"Yeah? What did you have in mind?" I asked, immediately thinking about the last trip I had been on...London, with Bella.

"My parents live in Hartford," she said carefully, peeking over at me. Her blue eyes were so bright that sometimes they took my breath away. "And I haven't seem them for a while."

We had been seeing each other for months now. She spent almost half her nights at my apartment. And I was trying to make this work. So I agreed.

"That would be nice," I said quietly. I took her hand and squeezed it. "It's a date."

... ...

"Wow." Bella gulped down some of her coffee. "Meeting the parents?"

We had been meeting up more and more often in an effort to quell some of the awkwardness between us, and it seemed like it was starting to help. She brushed it off whenever I asked, but I could still tell that she wasn't doing great. I wished I could help, but I knew it was something that she would have to do on her own- all I could do was support her.

"I know. But, I mean...it makes sense, time-wise," I pointed out. "Like...it's the way things are progressing."

She bobbed her head a few times. "I guess. Are you nervous?"

"Nah," I replied, finishing off my black coffee and wrinkling my nose at the mess of chocolate, caramel, and whipped cream that made up most of Bella's drink. "I can't believe you consider that coffee."

"Stop!" She cried. "It's my special treat."

"Yeah?" I teased.

"Yeah," she shot back, sticking her tongue out. Then suddenly she was serious. "My therapist suggested 'treating myself' every week before my appointments with her. You know...ice cream, a new pair of shoes...this coffee monstrosity."

"At least you agree that it's a monstrosity."

She nodded, looking a little uncomfortable, so I reached for her hand. "I think it's really great you've been going to therapy."

"Thanks," Bella said with a smile. "I'm glad I'm going."

I wanted to ask her, so badly, if she was "getting better" but I knew that was exactly the wrong thing to say- it didn't work like that, as much as we might wish it did.

I just wanted my Bella back, no matter how long it took.

... ...


	10. Chapter 10

Tanya's parents were just like her- _nice_. I was starting to hate that word. We spent the weekend with them, and on Sunday evening when we got back into the city, I accepted Tanya's offer to come up to her apartment.

After a glass of wine and fifteen minutes of missionary, I caught myself staring at her as we laid in bed. "You're so pretty," I finally said, wishing something more profound could be said.

She smiled, and I couldn't help but think of how Bella would have smiled and blushed at such a comment. "_You're the pretty one_," Bella would always say, teasingly.

"I'm glad you came to Hartford with me," Tanya said after a moment, tangling her fingers with mine. "My parents really liked you."

"They were nice," I replied. "It was nice to meet them."

"My mom asked if we'd be joining them at Martha's Vineyard this summer," she murmured, looking at me questioningly. "I was honest with her- I don't know where we'll be this summer. And I didn't mean geographically."

My heart sank a little, but part of me was relieved that we were at least somewhat on the same page. "I know what you mean."

"You're still crazy about her, aren't you?"

This felt so wrong. I was naked in bed with a beautiful woman- a woman who was pretty and kind and who's biggest fault so far was that she was just _nice. _And I couldn't see myself having any kind of future with her. Not the way I had imagined with Bella. Not in the way I still _wanted to _with Bella.

"I am. I'm sorry, Tanya. I-"

"Don't be sorry," she said with a little laugh. "I've seen it from the start. But I don't care. Edward, she doesn't want you. But I do. And I think maybe we could be happy together, one day."

"You'd settle for that? For 'one day'?" I asked skeptically. "For 'maybe'?"

"I just want you," she whispered back, looking into my eyes. "And I'll wait for you to catch up, if I have to."

... ...

Time passed, and Bella remained at the forefront of my mind. We started talking more, like we used to, and things started to feel like it was all going back to normal.

It was like we hadn't even happened, and I couldn't help but feel sad about it.

But Bella was still my best friend, and after about a year, all of the awkwardness had dissipated. We had coffee together every week before she went to therapy, and she double dated with Tanya and I a few times, always with a different guy. I was secretly pleased that she was back to her old routine- love them and leave them. None of them were good enough for her, especially now that the bounce was back in her step. She seemed genuinely happy for the first time in a long time, and as her best friend, I couldn't have been happier for her.

However, sometimes I caught myself daydreaming about what could have been. I wondered where we'd be in our relationship, and if we'd be happy. I wondered if things would be amazing, not just _nice _like how it was with Tanya.

I watched Bella flit and flirt and wine and dine half of the eligible bachelors in Manhattan, and I worried that she'd meet someone that made her forget about me, because it would be so bittersweet. On one hand, I'd have to be happy for her. If she were able to love herself enough to love another, of course it should be celebrated. On the other hand, I'd always wonder why it wasn't with me. Why I couldn't make her love herself; see herself the way I did. And I continued to wonder, all the time- what if?

But if things had gone my way from the start, we wouldn't end up the way we were supposed to.

... ...

"I don't know," I said, breaking off a little piece of the biscotti Bella and I were sharing. "She just seems uninterested lately."

"Hmm." Bella looked thoughtful, then leaned in a little closer. "I mean...is it possible that she's reflecting the way _you _feel? Where are you at in regards to your feelings for her?"

I shrugged, always feeling guilty when people asked about this kind of stuff- about Tanya. Because our whole relationship made me feel guilty. We were coming up on one year together, although it had only gotten more serious when I had met her parents and been honest about the feelings of 'maybe' and 'one day' that surrounded our relationship.

But part of me did love Tanya. She wasn't as easy to love as Bella was, because I'd been head over heels for Bella since I was fifteen. It was different with Tanya. It had developed slowly but surely, determined and hardheaded. For the first time, I could sort of understand the way Bella had felt when we had been together- what it felt like to be loved and not love back in the same way. With Tanya, it was a convenient love. It was fine.

It was nothing like what I felt for Bella, and what made it even harder was that Tanya _knew _and she loved me anyway.

"Emmett is pushing me to propose," I confided in Bella. "So is my mom. And her mom. And all of her friends."

"And?" Bella asked, suddenly focused on the crumpled napkin in her hand and not on me. "What do you think?"

"I don't know," I breathed out. "The thought of it kind of makes me sick."

"Isn't love supposed to make you feel a little sick?"

"Lovesick, maybe," I laughed. "I think it's nerves."

"You worry she'll say no?"

I shook my head, trying not to feel pompous. "I know she'll say yes. I just...I don't know," I repeated.

"Do you love her?"

I swallowed thickly and forced myself to look the woman I loved, really, really loved, in the eye. "I love her."

"Do you want to spend the rest of your life with her?"

Again, no. _Bella _was who I wanted for forever. I wanted to scream at her that no, Tanya wasn't who I wanted to be with. It was Bella. It was always Bella.

... ...

We didn't get engaged. Instead, I found myself spending a precious three day weekend moving from my place in Murray Hill and south into Kips Bay with Tanya. She had a nice place...very pinterest-y, beige, and cookie cutter. Nothing like my modern taste or Bella's classic with a twist. But the price and the location worked for both of us, and although it was incredibly close to my old place, it felt like another world. For starters, the coffee shop Bella and I always met at was directly between my old place and Bella's Lenox Hill townhouse.

Tanya had laughed when I complained about it, but I noticed she didn't speak to me for the rest of the night and went to bed early, claiming that she had a headache, and I felt incredibly guilty.

Here was this woman who loved me, wanted a future with me...and then there I was, stuck in the same boat, but with another woman in mind. It would have been poetic if it hadn't been so shitty of me.

... ...

I wasn't expecting Bella's call in the middle of the night, but of course I answered as soon as it woke me up. "What's wrong?"

"Can you come over? I'm sorry, I know I have no right-"

"No, no, I'll be right there," I assured her, already out of bed.

Tanya grumbled beside me, and sat up as I was pulling a sweatshirt and shorts out of the dresser. "Where are you going? What time is it?"

"Shh," I murmured, going over and sitting on the edge of the bed to put my socks and shoes on. "It's not even three. Bella called; something must be wrong. I'm going over there."

"Of course you are," Tanya grumbled, but she didn't say anything else about it as she hunkered back down in bed.

"I'll be back before you know it." I assured her.

She just gave me a sad smile. "I love you."

"Love ya."

... ...

Bella's townhouse was a block over and a few dozen blocks up, but I made it there in record time. I had a copy of her key that she had given to me years ago, so I used it to let myself in. I found her sitting up in her bed, whiter than a sheet.

"What's wrong?" I asked, kneeling in front of her. "Are you okay?"

She turned slightly; her eyes glassy with tears. "I...I didn't tell you," she cried. "I didn't tell anyone...because I just wanted it to go away. I didn't know-"

Bella was choking back tears at this point, and I'd never felt more helpless. She finally just pushed the sheets down, and all I saw was red.

"Oh...Bella. Oh my god."

"I think I'm having a miscarriage."

... ...


End file.
